The following is satire. It is meant to shed a light on the unacceptable behavior that many online game players partake in, particularly in League of Legends. DO NOT do anything this list tells you to do. Do the OPPOSITE of what this list tells you to do. This list does NOT reflect how I really feel, it reflects the exact opposite. Again, this is SATIRE.
You know what I'm sick and tired of seeing online? I'm sick and tired of seeing people be courteous to each other even after they completely screwed up my winning streak. I am tired as hell of the guy who lost us the game asking for forgiveness in lobby. I am sick of having to share credit with my support or my jungler for MY kills, even if the jungler applied the crowd control needed for me to get the kill and the support gave me heals and buffs whenever the enemy got lucky and managed to gang up on me. I am sick and tired of having to deal with junglers who don't gank for me whenever I ORDER them to. Do you feel like I do? Then here's a few quick tips on how to get the right attitude on League of Legends!
Tip 1- Everything you do right is 100% YOUR work, and every "mistake" you make is someone else's fault. If you're the mid laner and you get ganked by the enemy jungler because you were ten inches away from the tower? That's not YOUR fault, that's your jungler's fault. Why? Because he/she didn't ward! It's the jungler's job to make sure the entire map is warded, along with the support's! That's another thing: it's the support's job to make sure YOU are safe AND getting kills. If YOU get killed, it's because the support isn't doing his/her job right. He/she didn't buy wards, he/she isn't healing you, he/she isn't peeling the enemy. It's not YOUR fault for placing yourself in danger by getting out of position and putting yourself in the enemy's range, away from the safety of your team, it's the SUPPORT'S fault for not doing their job, even if they haven't had the chance to go back to buy more wards because they're too busy keeping you out of harm's way! And if you're the top laner, you go ahead and push as hard as you want. It's not YOUR job to make sure you can win the lane, it's your jungler's, because they are the ones who HAVE to come up and save your ass every time the enemy gets an upper hand. Never mind if you picked a terrible champ to play top as! You should always, ALWAYS blame the jungler if you get killed, for failing to gank. Unless you're the jungler, in which case go ahead and blame the nearest team mate. Hey, they should be paying attention to how you're putting yourself in danger for your own benefit!
Tip 2- If you're the Marksman of the team, you have every right to tell the Support how to do their job. See, the Support doesn't have ANY right to anything: not on deciding what items to build, not on where to ward, hell, they don't even have the right to so much as a single assist! That assist gold they receive for all the times they heal you, peel for you, "save" your butt from dying? Yeah, that's a mercy you grant them. They don't deserve it! YOU are the Marksman! YOU are the one doing ALL the work, the one who will carry the team to victory! This extends even on Champion Select: you can play whoever you want, but you have every right to decide which champ your support plays.
Tip 3- The enemy team is ALWAYS a bunch of noobs. Whenever you get a kill, you should tell them in All Chat "outplayed". Whenever they kill you, you should type in "LOL so much luck, noob. 1v1 me and see how good you're NOT." You are the only one with any skills on this game, everyone else is a lucker noob. After you beat the enemy team, always, ALWAYS remind them it was an easy match. And if you lost? Well, it wasn't YOUR fault, it was your team's.
Tip 4- You don't make mistakes, your team mates do. When they do, you have every right to yell at them, insult them, and to tell them to die. Why? Because you're not the teacher here, OK? You're not here to educate, you're here to win. Never mind if they have feelings too. Never mind if they may be trying to overcome their depression by playing the game they love, or if they are just trying to relax after a hard day's work. No, YOU are the one who has to deal with THEIR mistakes! Never mind if you're not doing any better, never mind the fact that it's been proven that making people feel like garbage actually hurts their performance, no, you're mad as hell and you're not taking it anymore! Let them know they are the worst team you've ever had the displeasure of playing with! Let them know they suck, and that by uninstalling the game they are doing the community a HUGE favor!
Tip 5- Losing? Quit the game! You don't have time to babysit four losers, and you don't deserve to lose just because your loser team mates can't play for shit! Quit whenever you feel winning is impossible! Leave those other morons to their fate, let THEM lose!
Tip 6- Never thank anyone for helping you: that's their job. Did the jungler gank? Don't thank them. Did the support heal you? Don't bother thanking them. Did someone leave their lane to help you out of a tough situation? No thanks are needed. Always acknowledge mistakes, never acknowledge anything anyone else does right.
Tip 7- Every kill belongs to you. Anyone else who takes a kill from a champion you've been fighting against is a kill stealer, even if the only thing you did was poke the enemy and your support did about 80% of the damage.
Tip 8- Threatening to sabotage your team's efforts to win is an acceptable tactic to get what you want. Go ahead and do it. Tell them "Mid or feed", and if you don't get middle lane, go ahead and let yourself get killed by the enemy team many, many times. That'll teach your team you mean business!
Tip 9- Always report anyone who does even the tiniest mistake. Did your team mate die? Report! Did bottom lane get ganked? Report! Did someone steal your kill? Report! Is someone pointing out that you're being a dick with all that yelling, feeding, and harassment? Oh My God REPORT!!!
Tip 10- Don't listen to what your team mates say. Don't listen when they warn you you're about to get ganked. Don't listen to them when they ask for help. Don't help anyone, help yourself. Steal kills, steal creeps, steal buffs. Don't warn your team mates that an enemy is missing. Don't gank. Don't help push a lane. Don't ward. But still demand that your team mates do. Demand ganks, demand help, but never give it.
You know what I'm sick and tired of seeing online? I'm sick and tired of seeing people be courteous to each other even after they completely screwed up my winning streak. I am tired as hell of the guy who lost us the game asking for forgiveness in lobby. I am sick of having to share credit with my support or my jungler for MY kills, even if the jungler applied the crowd control needed for me to get the kill and the support gave me heals and buffs whenever the enemy got lucky and managed to gang up on me. I am sick and tired of having to deal with junglers who don't gank for me whenever I ORDER them to. Do you feel like I do? Then here's a few quick tips on how to get the right attitude on League of Legends!
Tip 1- Everything you do right is 100% YOUR work, and every "mistake" you make is someone else's fault. If you're the mid laner and you get ganked by the enemy jungler because you were ten inches away from the tower? That's not YOUR fault, that's your jungler's fault. Why? Because he/she didn't ward! It's the jungler's job to make sure the entire map is warded, along with the support's! That's another thing: it's the support's job to make sure YOU are safe AND getting kills. If YOU get killed, it's because the support isn't doing his/her job right. He/she didn't buy wards, he/she isn't healing you, he/she isn't peeling the enemy. It's not YOUR fault for placing yourself in danger by getting out of position and putting yourself in the enemy's range, away from the safety of your team, it's the SUPPORT'S fault for not doing their job, even if they haven't had the chance to go back to buy more wards because they're too busy keeping you out of harm's way! And if you're the top laner, you go ahead and push as hard as you want. It's not YOUR job to make sure you can win the lane, it's your jungler's, because they are the ones who HAVE to come up and save your ass every time the enemy gets an upper hand. Never mind if you picked a terrible champ to play top as! You should always, ALWAYS blame the jungler if you get killed, for failing to gank. Unless you're the jungler, in which case go ahead and blame the nearest team mate. Hey, they should be paying attention to how you're putting yourself in danger for your own benefit!
Tip 2- If you're the Marksman of the team, you have every right to tell the Support how to do their job. See, the Support doesn't have ANY right to anything: not on deciding what items to build, not on where to ward, hell, they don't even have the right to so much as a single assist! That assist gold they receive for all the times they heal you, peel for you, "save" your butt from dying? Yeah, that's a mercy you grant them. They don't deserve it! YOU are the Marksman! YOU are the one doing ALL the work, the one who will carry the team to victory! This extends even on Champion Select: you can play whoever you want, but you have every right to decide which champ your support plays.
Tip 3- The enemy team is ALWAYS a bunch of noobs. Whenever you get a kill, you should tell them in All Chat "outplayed". Whenever they kill you, you should type in "LOL so much luck, noob. 1v1 me and see how good you're NOT." You are the only one with any skills on this game, everyone else is a lucker noob. After you beat the enemy team, always, ALWAYS remind them it was an easy match. And if you lost? Well, it wasn't YOUR fault, it was your team's.
Tip 4- You don't make mistakes, your team mates do. When they do, you have every right to yell at them, insult them, and to tell them to die. Why? Because you're not the teacher here, OK? You're not here to educate, you're here to win. Never mind if they have feelings too. Never mind if they may be trying to overcome their depression by playing the game they love, or if they are just trying to relax after a hard day's work. No, YOU are the one who has to deal with THEIR mistakes! Never mind if you're not doing any better, never mind the fact that it's been proven that making people feel like garbage actually hurts their performance, no, you're mad as hell and you're not taking it anymore! Let them know they are the worst team you've ever had the displeasure of playing with! Let them know they suck, and that by uninstalling the game they are doing the community a HUGE favor!
Tip 5- Losing? Quit the game! You don't have time to babysit four losers, and you don't deserve to lose just because your loser team mates can't play for shit! Quit whenever you feel winning is impossible! Leave those other morons to their fate, let THEM lose!
Tip 6- Never thank anyone for helping you: that's their job. Did the jungler gank? Don't thank them. Did the support heal you? Don't bother thanking them. Did someone leave their lane to help you out of a tough situation? No thanks are needed. Always acknowledge mistakes, never acknowledge anything anyone else does right.
Tip 7- Every kill belongs to you. Anyone else who takes a kill from a champion you've been fighting against is a kill stealer, even if the only thing you did was poke the enemy and your support did about 80% of the damage.
Tip 8- Threatening to sabotage your team's efforts to win is an acceptable tactic to get what you want. Go ahead and do it. Tell them "Mid or feed", and if you don't get middle lane, go ahead and let yourself get killed by the enemy team many, many times. That'll teach your team you mean business!
Tip 9- Always report anyone who does even the tiniest mistake. Did your team mate die? Report! Did bottom lane get ganked? Report! Did someone steal your kill? Report! Is someone pointing out that you're being a dick with all that yelling, feeding, and harassment? Oh My God REPORT!!!
Tip 10- Don't listen to what your team mates say. Don't listen when they warn you you're about to get ganked. Don't listen to them when they ask for help. Don't help anyone, help yourself. Steal kills, steal creeps, steal buffs. Don't warn your team mates that an enemy is missing. Don't gank. Don't help push a lane. Don't ward. But still demand that your team mates do. Demand ganks, demand help, but never give it.
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