My Rankings for the Bachelors and Bachelorettes of Stardew Valley

This is my ranking of all the marriageable villagers in the game Stardew Valley. After playing around ten play throughs of the game, I have managed to compile this little list. Keep in mind, this is my OPINION. I'll be starting from lowest to highest.

12. Shane

The appeal behind Shane is that his story arc is one of overcoming one's personal failings, of getting oneself back from the abyss that is depression. It's a story arc about strength of character, human weakness, and maybe even redemption. That said, this guy still sucks.

When you first meet him, he's aloof at best, rude at worst. he doesn't warm up to the player until around 2 hearts (though all the villagers are like that, it's most noticeable with Shane and Haley) and until then, BOY is it a chore to get to know this guy.

But when you do, you find one of the more fascinating characters in the game: he's lost close friends whose daughter he's now "raising," his blood family gets a passing mention AT BEST, and he's struggling with alcoholism. Shane is someone whose past and present haunt him, someone who's trying so hard to make the world go away. These are AWESOME attributes for any fictional character, and you could make a compelling work when focusing on someone like this.

My problem with his romancing is that it reeks of that "rescue romance" fantasy that has tainted media for a while now. In real life dating someone like Shane would be, at best, draining. Emotionally, financially, spiritually draining. People like him do NOT get better by being romanced, they get better by putting in their own effort. Be it by seeing a psychologist, taking the necessary medications, by seeking the help they need, they do not get better until they take steps to get better. This is often a hard and arduous task, and one where they need not only the support of their loved ones, they'll also need their own dedication and determination.

The game doesn't work like this. Shane's recovery is only ever seen when you've got your friendship meter high enough for him. And one way to get it high is by gifting him booze. That's just terrific.

11. Haley

Oh boy, Haley. What can I say about her? Her character arc is one of "Defrosting Ice Queen," a common Trope in fiction where a woman who's frigid at first gradually warms up thanks to the power of Friendship and Love. I hate that Trope with a passion.

A little kindness to strangers, a little courtesy is not much to ask of someone. Haley, a young woman living in a small town, walks around like she's the second coming of Jackie Kennedy or something. Seriously, it gets SO BAD that her first friendship event has her complaining to her sister about DOING A SIMPLE CHORE! One of the most aggravating pieces of dialogue in the game comes from her, where the game makes it a point to say she's ignoring you. And I'm like "OK then, FUCK YOU, BITCH!"

10. Abigail

Abigail is a cool, hip gamer girl with a taste for life and adventure. She loves music, animals, and she's not averse to venturing into a dark, scary cave by herself or use a sword. That said, she's a fucking spoiled brat.

Seriously, this girl lives with her mom and dad RENT FREE, and she not only accuses her dad of sexism when he asks her to help out with dinner (ignoring the fact that it's her mother that asked for help and her father was simply telling her, AFTER HAVING TO GO OUTSIDE IN THE NIGHT TO FIND HIS DAUGHTER HANGING AROUND IN A GRAVEYARD!) she also accuses her mother of trying to control her life. Like, Jesus Christ, this girl lives with her parents, free of rent, in a large house, with her own room and everything! And her parents are struggling financially!

That's what gets me about Abigail: she's just a frigging spoiled brat who needs a serious wake up call.

9. Penny

Penny's a tough case. On one hand, she's EXTREMELY sympathetic. She lives in poverty but she's trying to work her way up in the world. She spends her time tutoring children (which earns her points with me, as I'm a teacher too). Overall, she's not like Abigail or Haley in that she actually contributes positively to society.

But there's a side to her I dislike. She's a bit inconsiderate, like when she pushed George, a wheelchair bound senior, out of the way in an attempt to help him get his mail. She liberally asks you to help her clean up the trailer she shares with her mother, either not knowing or caring that her alcoholic mother is secretly ashamed of their living conditions. There are hints in her personality that she's a gold digger. Overall, though, I'm not entirely convinced that Penny is a good girl. She's leagues above Abigail and Haley, but that's not saying much.

8. Elliot

How does a guy that looks like Fabio end up one of the most humble guys in the game? Seriously, Elliot has to be one of the nicest male characters I have ever seen in a video game. A writer and romantic, Elliot is a safe, harmless choice for love.

He's also a bit boring. His entire character arc revolves around a novel he's writing. There's no overarching character theme to him (unlike Shane or Leah). I can say he's more than a pretty face (he's a writer, come on!) but he's simply not as interesting as any of the other characters.

7. Sam

Rad skater, guitarist, the cool guy in the band that always had a smile on his face, never looking down on anyone. That's Sam.

Sam is the quintessential cool guy. He's in a band. He skateboards. He's got a cool haircut. The guy's just so cool! I rather like Sam! So, why is he so low on this list? It's because, as cool as he is, there's really not much else going for him, unlike the rest of the characters on this list.

6. Maru

HELLO NURSE! Let me count the buttons Maru pushes for me:

1. Glasses- I love a girl who can pull off stylish glasses.
2. Smart- you know what they say; intelligence is sexy!
3. Nerdy- she loves gadgets and astronomy, she qualifies!
4. Overalls- don't ask me why, I just dig chicks in denim overalls.
5. Black- I have an appreciation for African-American beauty.
6. Red hair- mmmm yes! I love redheads!
7. Nurse- what can I say? It's a fetish archetype for good reason!

Do I need to write anything else? I think not!

5. Harvey

Three words: A doctor, honey. OK, OK, I'll add more. Harvey's a good guy, kind, patient, kind of nerdy. He's excitable, passionate about his work, and an overall asset to the community. He's a nice guy who dreamed of being a pilot, but realized it wasn't the life he was meant for. He accepted that his dream wouldn't come true, and instead of moping about it, he carved a new path in life. An excellent character!

4. Sebastian

THIS is how you do Defrosting Ice Queen, people! Sebastian is an emo looking kid who is, at first, somewhat off putting. His schedule is bizarre (in fact, on my first playthrough, it took me FIVE DAYS to meet him!) He seems rude at first, and it takes work to get him to open up to you.

When you finally get him to open up, you find a young man who's more complex than he let on. A strained relationship with his step-father, a distant relationship with his sister, a passion for motorbikes, a freelance job. A guy with few friends, but they are close and tight nit. And quite possibly the sweetest, gentlest boy in all Stardew Valley. Sebastian is a fantastic character who speaks to me on quite a few levels.

3. Leah

OK, where do I begin? An artist, a nature lover, an outdoorsy gal, a friggin BEAUTIFUL redhead, fiery and sweet. Leah is, in my opinion, the most beautiful marriageable girl in all Stardew Valley. She's stunning, absolutely stunning and gorgeous. Always friendly, always helpful, she's an angel. I have little else to say about her, really.

2. Alex

Boy oh boy, do I need to talk about this guy. When you first meet Alex, he comes across as that jerk jock who peaked in high school and never let anyone forget it. He's a bit rude at first, and depending on the player's sex, he'll either be a condescending jerk (male) or a pervert (female). And then you get to know him...

Good God. You know how the first impression isn't always right? That fits Alex to a T. The guy has had it rough growing up. An abusive father who later walked out on his family when Alex was just a kid. A mother who tried her best to raise her son, only to die when her child was still growing. A grandfather who lost the ability to walk and is now bound to a wheelchair. Alex has been through some shit.

But how did he respond to it all? By dedicating himself to sports. He decided he wasn't going to destroy his own body, he decided he would train himself. He put a goal for himself, to become a professional athlete, and he works on that goal day in day out.

I contrast Alex with Shane. Alex and Shane have both had it rough, but while Shane seeks to destroy himself, Alex seeks to overcome his past and carve his own future. Alex is the game's REAL Rescue Romance, because (in my opinion) he's the one happiest to be married. This quote, obtained after marriage and two children, sums him up beautifully:

"You've given me the family life I've always wanted. Thank you."

1. Emily

The best love is the one that fills you with joie-de-vivre. It is the love that reminds you that life is beautiful, that one can be happy living, that happiness exists in the world. Emily, in my opinion, exhibits this trait more than any other potential spouse in the game.

Emily's events are all about finding joy in life. From doing a funky dance, to helping others express themselves with fashion, even turning a bear encounter during a camping trip into a night of passion, Emily is a girl who teaches the player to let oneself live in the moment, to come out of their shells and embrace who they truly are. Forget about everything that holds you back and BE!

Unlike other marriageable candidates (looking at you, Shane and Penny) Emily's romance is not in the least bit a Rescue Romance. Rather, it's a romance between a girl who's got life figured out, and a young farmer who escaped a humdrum corporate life to rediscover life. All in all, a perfect love story.

And those are my rankings. What are yours?