So recently, our buddy Jonathan "Full" McIntosh, or Josh as we like to call him, called for games that were less fun. See, Josh sees "fun" as feeling powerful, and to him, feeling powerful is a big no no. So just for him, I made a little list of video game ideas that are by no stretch of the imagination "fun", but are instead highly artistic. The following are a collection of art games that I am 100% certain will have the Full McIntosh Seal of Approval!
Game 1: I Buried My Wife
This one is a heart rending story of a man who had to bury his wife. As you press right, he walks through the graveyard, talking to himself about how much he'll miss his wife. As he walks, he passes by several friends of his who say vague, catch all statements like "She meant a lot to you" or "I know, I miss her too". There won't be any back story though, so we won't know his wife's name, or how they met, or how long they been married, but we WILL know we're supposed to be sad for the man because the music is so, so sad! The goal of the game? None, you just go right until the game ends!
Game 2: Jenny Buries Her Husband
It's a bit like I Buried My Wife, but better because it stars a woman! As Jenny walks away from her husband's tombstone, she reminisces all on how she's free now, she's no longer tied to a man, and how she can now decide for herself what she wants in life. As triumphant music plays, Jenny passes her many friends who tell her many catch all phrases, such as "I'll miss him too" or "He was a good man" all without revealing a thing about who the husband was as a person. It'll be a beautiful game of female liberation that could only be brought by the death and erasure of another human being!
Game 3: The Divorce
A Kinetic Visual Novel. In this game, you press the X button to progress through prose laden with layers of metaphorical allegory written in prose of an amethyst tint that with a bit of imagination could possibly refer to the process of divorce as seen through the eyes of a bratty, middle class, suburban teenage girl with a Tumblr account and a fascination with 19th century novels. The unchanging background is a pair of separate rings, because OMG THAT IS SO DEEP!!11!! A possible excerpt from the game:
"Again, the two raise their passionate screams to produce a primal chorus of disagreements as the beautiful creature that makes her abode so far yet so near to those lays on her sanctuary as limpid tears stream down her face, questioning the need to endure this pain. How could they be so selfish, so self absorbed, as to fail to notice their pettyness has so damaged their beautiful creation?"
And another, which could be how the game starts:
"The beautiful princess decided not to drink tea, her golden locks playing in the wind as she opened the cold box so as to fetch a cold drink that could cool down the passionate flame of hurt that burned inside her, as the King and Queen disagreed once more."
A true work of art that could finally bring video game writing to levels that can hope to reach the standards set by such literary classics such as Fifty Shades of Grey, Maradonia, or The Legend of Rah and the Muggles!
Game 4: Feminist Frequency: The Game
The point of this game is tomake up gather facts across several media in order to prove your thesis: everything hates women. You control an unpaid unnamed intern that collects facts to be ignored used by Jonathan and Anita Sarkeesian themselves for their next bullshit well researched video. Beatable in five minutes so that it reflects the real life process John and Anita take to make a video casual players can just turn it on, play a little, and entertain themselves as they wait for the bus.
Game 5: Bath Bombs
Based on the latest feminine craze, the point of this game is to gather points for you to buy "bath bombs" with, drop them into the bathtub, and then take pictures of the results and post them on social media.
Game 6: Depression Quest
In this game, you're a young, well off young adult with a swank job, a girlfriend who's loving and supportive, a family who has your back and constantly tries to help you succeed but you do not respond too well to that because you're being a whiny little cunt. You're suffering from depression, but it's a bit hard to sympathize with you because your circumstances are simply so much better than what a lot of people that age are going through, Seriously, you have a loving, supportive girlfriend who's probably suffering from just as much depression as you are because you are indirectly bringing her down with your mopey shit, when there are people who have lost the ones they loved for far, far less. And sure the mom's a bit of a tough nut who's not very sympathetic, but guess what: she's far, far, FAR more sympathetic to you than most people! And even the fact that you can actually afford not just the regular therapist visits but also the medication makes you far, far more privileged than most people who have to deal with depression WITHOUT said resources!
OK, I had my fun, but let me be serious for a second here. As much as I'd love to say that Josh "Full" McIntosh and his ilk are trying to destroy gaming, I can not say such a thing because that'd be pure reactionary hyperbole. The only thing I can say is that what McIntosh did was make me ask a question: do all games HAVE to be fun? And that's a question I intend to expand on next blog entry, but for now all I can say is this: Freedom of Speech means that, sometimes, you gotta let the most asinine people make the most asinine comments. And remember that what's dumb to you may be thought provoking to someone else.
"I don't agree with what you say, but I stand by your right to say it." I've heard this phrase millions of times, but it seems to me like barely anyone even knows what it means, much less abide by it. It's a general thing, beyond any ongoing political controversy that may be happening right now, in gaming culture or beyond. It's simply a fact: it's much easier to close your ears and yell "SHUT UP!!!" than it is to listen to an opinion you don't like. As a Puerto Rican separatist, I know what I'm talking about. Every time I spoke about Puerto Rican independence, I would be accused of being ungrateful to the US, that I was a spoiled brat, a communist, a hippie, and all manner of negative things, just because I believed my country deserved to be independent. And I am extremely lucky, because I was born during a time when saying "I believe in independence" or waving that one star flag would NOT land me in jail! That's how much our Freedom of Speech was restricted here in my home country, and that's why I stand by this freedom, this right!
Do I agree with McIntosh? Of course not, I think he's opening his mouth and letting words vomit out without thinking them through. But I stand by his right to say them. Likewise, I stand by the right of the gaming community to mock him and his opinions. The right to satire is also something I stand strongly by.
I believe there is plenty of room for feminist criticism in gaming; my problem isn't with people saying that there should be more female protagonists in gaming, or that there should be more variety in female roles in gaming, or that there should be more women programmers. My problem is with the dishonesty that stems from a lot of the current "feminist critique" offered by people like Josh or Sarkeesian. I can name ten games off the top of my head that star women in roles outside of fanservice or damsels, while Anita can't name three games period. Here's the list:
1- Neptunia (all of them)
2- Phantom Brave
3- Bayonetta
4- Tomb Raider (all of them)
5- Metroid (yeah, you know where this is going)
6- Perfect Dark
7- Mermaid Swamp
8- The Sandman
9- Final Fantasy 13 (at least the first and Lightning Returns, 13-2 is debatable)
10- The first Phantasy Star
And that's not even getting into the amazing amounts of piss poor research that this duo makes! But enough about that, I'm saving it for a future blog.
I said before that I stand by McIntosh's right to say what he wants. But I also say, if you use this right to spew lies in regards to gaming and its culture, it becomes the moral duty of every gamer to call you out. And that's what Jonathan McIntosh is doing: he's spewing venomous bile against gaming culture, calling us misogynists, saying our hobby is harmful to women, that we are unwelcoming to women and minorities, that our hobby needs to be regulated by culture police. I stand by his right to say that, but I also make it my duty to call him out, to present evidence on how he's wrong, and to prove him to be what he truly is: a charlatan.
Game 1: I Buried My Wife
This one is a heart rending story of a man who had to bury his wife. As you press right, he walks through the graveyard, talking to himself about how much he'll miss his wife. As he walks, he passes by several friends of his who say vague, catch all statements like "She meant a lot to you" or "I know, I miss her too". There won't be any back story though, so we won't know his wife's name, or how they met, or how long they been married, but we WILL know we're supposed to be sad for the man because the music is so, so sad! The goal of the game? None, you just go right until the game ends!
Game 2: Jenny Buries Her Husband
It's a bit like I Buried My Wife, but better because it stars a woman! As Jenny walks away from her husband's tombstone, she reminisces all on how she's free now, she's no longer tied to a man, and how she can now decide for herself what she wants in life. As triumphant music plays, Jenny passes her many friends who tell her many catch all phrases, such as "I'll miss him too" or "He was a good man" all without revealing a thing about who the husband was as a person. It'll be a beautiful game of female liberation that could only be brought by the death and erasure of another human being!
Game 3: The Divorce
A Kinetic Visual Novel. In this game, you press the X button to progress through prose laden with layers of metaphorical allegory written in prose of an amethyst tint that with a bit of imagination could possibly refer to the process of divorce as seen through the eyes of a bratty, middle class, suburban teenage girl with a Tumblr account and a fascination with 19th century novels. The unchanging background is a pair of separate rings, because OMG THAT IS SO DEEP!!11!! A possible excerpt from the game:
"Again, the two raise their passionate screams to produce a primal chorus of disagreements as the beautiful creature that makes her abode so far yet so near to those lays on her sanctuary as limpid tears stream down her face, questioning the need to endure this pain. How could they be so selfish, so self absorbed, as to fail to notice their pettyness has so damaged their beautiful creation?"
And another, which could be how the game starts:
"The beautiful princess decided not to drink tea, her golden locks playing in the wind as she opened the cold box so as to fetch a cold drink that could cool down the passionate flame of hurt that burned inside her, as the King and Queen disagreed once more."
A true work of art that could finally bring video game writing to levels that can hope to reach the standards set by such literary classics such as Fifty Shades of Grey, Maradonia, or The Legend of Rah and the Muggles!
Game 4: Feminist Frequency: The Game
The point of this game is to
Game 5: Bath Bombs
Based on the latest feminine craze, the point of this game is to gather points for you to buy "bath bombs" with, drop them into the bathtub, and then take pictures of the results and post them on social media.
Game 6: Depression Quest
OK, I had my fun, but let me be serious for a second here. As much as I'd love to say that Josh "Full" McIntosh and his ilk are trying to destroy gaming, I can not say such a thing because that'd be pure reactionary hyperbole. The only thing I can say is that what McIntosh did was make me ask a question: do all games HAVE to be fun? And that's a question I intend to expand on next blog entry, but for now all I can say is this: Freedom of Speech means that, sometimes, you gotta let the most asinine people make the most asinine comments. And remember that what's dumb to you may be thought provoking to someone else.
"I don't agree with what you say, but I stand by your right to say it." I've heard this phrase millions of times, but it seems to me like barely anyone even knows what it means, much less abide by it. It's a general thing, beyond any ongoing political controversy that may be happening right now, in gaming culture or beyond. It's simply a fact: it's much easier to close your ears and yell "SHUT UP!!!" than it is to listen to an opinion you don't like. As a Puerto Rican separatist, I know what I'm talking about. Every time I spoke about Puerto Rican independence, I would be accused of being ungrateful to the US, that I was a spoiled brat, a communist, a hippie, and all manner of negative things, just because I believed my country deserved to be independent. And I am extremely lucky, because I was born during a time when saying "I believe in independence" or waving that one star flag would NOT land me in jail! That's how much our Freedom of Speech was restricted here in my home country, and that's why I stand by this freedom, this right!
Do I agree with McIntosh? Of course not, I think he's opening his mouth and letting words vomit out without thinking them through. But I stand by his right to say them. Likewise, I stand by the right of the gaming community to mock him and his opinions. The right to satire is also something I stand strongly by.
I believe there is plenty of room for feminist criticism in gaming; my problem isn't with people saying that there should be more female protagonists in gaming, or that there should be more variety in female roles in gaming, or that there should be more women programmers. My problem is with the dishonesty that stems from a lot of the current "feminist critique" offered by people like Josh or Sarkeesian. I can name ten games off the top of my head that star women in roles outside of fanservice or damsels, while Anita can't name three games period. Here's the list:
1- Neptunia (all of them)
2- Phantom Brave
3- Bayonetta
4- Tomb Raider (all of them)
5- Metroid (yeah, you know where this is going)
6- Perfect Dark
7- Mermaid Swamp
8- The Sandman
9- Final Fantasy 13 (at least the first and Lightning Returns, 13-2 is debatable)
10- The first Phantasy Star
And that's not even getting into the amazing amounts of piss poor research that this duo makes! But enough about that, I'm saving it for a future blog.
I said before that I stand by McIntosh's right to say what he wants. But I also say, if you use this right to spew lies in regards to gaming and its culture, it becomes the moral duty of every gamer to call you out. And that's what Jonathan McIntosh is doing: he's spewing venomous bile against gaming culture, calling us misogynists, saying our hobby is harmful to women, that we are unwelcoming to women and minorities, that our hobby needs to be regulated by culture police. I stand by his right to say that, but I also make it my duty to call him out, to present evidence on how he's wrong, and to prove him to be what he truly is: a charlatan.
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